I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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