I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
