Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
