did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Randomize
