I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
