just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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