We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
