this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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