how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
