Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
