my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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