She is in my trunk
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
