WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
