You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
