Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
