he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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