Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
