how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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