This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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