Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
