I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
