he shaved USA in his pubs
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
