I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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