I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
