where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize