literally had 100 drinks last night.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
