There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
