When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
