my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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