I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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