My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
