one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she peed on how many people?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
