college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
