just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
