I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
please come you make the beer taste better
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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