The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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