someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
