we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
