he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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