i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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