Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
