I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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