this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
