don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
