i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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