Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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