Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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