I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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