the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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