so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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