she was so not down for the gang bang
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
