You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
