Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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