I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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