i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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