i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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