I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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