You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hippo gnu deer
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
