i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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