If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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