dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
