this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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