hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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