How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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