then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Two words: blizzard sex
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
