You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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